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Musings of a Werewolf...

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Chapter 33 -- My health, your health, and everything in between. Dec. 22nd, 2009 @ 02:38 pm
Swine flu status: All three members of my household have been vaccinated against the normal flu but not the H1N1 going around. Everyone at my work has gotten it, every member of my department, etc. Except for the three people in my household. I attribute this to constant low level exposure heightening our resistance to it. It's too late in the game to get vaccinated against it at this point. That being said, I was checked into the ER yesterday for what ultimately was diagnosed as Viral gastroenteritis. This little bug kills 5-8 million people every year. Not me, though with four collapsed veins the failed attempts to start me on an IV were a move in the wrong direction last night. The hospital staff attending me was excellent. I say this because I know the Nurse working with me was scheduled to and wanted badly to return to his family in Georgia before christmas; I listened in to the conversations between him and his boss. He was putting the health of his patients first, and while he may not have done a good enough job from hiding it from me, anyone else wouldn't have been the wiser. Because of this I'm going to write a letter of appreciation to the hospital giving great praise and thanks for both the attending nurse and the doctor who was overseeing my care. It was truely the best I could have ever hoped for and these employees deserve recognition for their devotion and hard work.

The big thing the nurse helped me out on was covering up the fact that he was simply not getting any blood out of my veins to get an IV going. After the 4-6 ampules taken for testing, they "dried up".  Normal procedure for this problem greatly escalates the situation which we both knew was unnesessary-- giving me a blood transfusion. And making my stay at the hospital a fuck of a lot longer and more expensive. All I really needed was fluids and my body has enough ability on it's own at that point to purge the bad and do some "spring cleaning". This is at least the 6th time it's happened in my lifetime. Anyone looking at my history would realize this. As for the nurse, he was frustrated and I couldn't blame him. With something contagious such as this as his last patient to work on before returning home, he is only human and has a right to have emotions of disliking the job and position he was put into due to a shortness of staff. He hid them very well, and despite 4 failed attempts to start an IV I have no bruising or the usual internal hemmoraging common with these -- to do an analogy would be to say that he spraypainted an entire car and hand-picked the insects that landed on the fresh paint before it was dry without leaving any fingerprints. Most other nurses would just shove through the vein in frustration and make me look like I was in a car accident with gigantic bruises.  Not that he couldn't sand that out later but the point here is he did a really good job in the worst situation and simply did not give up by taking the easy way out and increasing my stay by 2-3 days. That all came in via my minds eye, processed post-situation after I was with it again. How I felt at the time? Every single joint hurt. I felt like I had cracked ribs on both sides of my ribcage. I was puking every 10-20 minutes for 6 hours before going to the ER. When nothing came up, relief could only be had by bringing up bile (rhymes with VILE because of how it tastes) or at least seeing some tears land in the toilet as a sign that SOMETHING came up with all that effort. Only then was my stomach satisfied to sit quiet for a little while longer before the inevitable nausea making me just beg, beg.. for the mouth watering to begin. The signs that within the next 10 seconds I'd be trying to push a baby through my esophogus. And if it happened, it would spell relief.

Time ceased meaning, I thought I was in the ER for at least 48 hours but in reality it was only about 9. I kept saying my pain was at a 7 out of 10 scale, but there wasn't much they could do besides a straight morphine drip which is rather complicated if the patient is suffering nausea so bad that double the max dose for a first line chemotherepy med did virtually NOTHING. As has happened in the past (this is at least the 6th or 7th time happening in the last 7 years) when the injectible anti-nausea chemotherepy drugs come out, the ones that burn going in unless diluted, the one that smells not like burning plastic as is the case whenever I consume Tylenol/acetominophen [I am a freak!] but instead as it's injected I smell plastic model glue cement... relief is had. That solved the nausea, and made my stomach turn into a tight quiet ball of unhappyness that would still puke out anything put into it roughly 4-6 hours later, entirely untouched. When that's happened in the past, I noted that it was the least bothersome vomit of anything that I've brought up-- it feels like warm flavorless water, tinged slightly yellow, that comes out with no effort and none of the usual waves of sweat and adrenal reactions that come when nothing comes up. It's the only puke I can do that brings a smile to my face. So, nausea solved for all intents and purposes. The IV was successful, a lot went in. And I was discharged in a barely walkable state, confused and delerious. Led by my Wolf who seemed to have unlimited patience and strength to get me through this. At some point I actually thought the person in the bed next to me was being intubated, and my Wolf was shouting "Hey Keman, you gotta come see this, it's someone being intubated and I think it's the same stuff you've got at home above your workbench." [intubation supplies, don't ask] ... no such situation happened, I have verified. But that's how out of it I was. Complicating everything: I don't produce an enzyme known as CP450 2D6. This is something I've become increasingly aware of, and is largely why I'm not at a risk for any addiction to narcotic pain killers-- this enzyme converts codeine, hydrocodone, etc, into morphine. For the past 33 years of my life, any time I've been given vicoden, codeine, etc, all I experience is the body load (nausea), the smelling of burning plastic (my reaction to tylenol, actually not that uncommon), and that is it. No pain relief other than what the tylenol gets me, which being non-narcotic has a ceiling for what it can help, and in a nutshell I've had situations where I've been in great pain, and didn't know that it could be better, that the pain COULD be made to go away. Out of ignorance I simply thought this was as good as it could get.

Amusingly, to further emphisize this aspect I came to discover 5 weeks ago that "Percocet" is the name brand for Oxycodone. The reason why learning this has been so shocking (and amusing) to me, is that with the lacklustre effects of all narcotic pain killers in the past, I had hoped that the day I was ever in a car accident and/or greatly injured, this could be administered to me and I'd be relieved of pain. With all the limelight it's had in the news, I expected it to be "The one holy of holies, the one pain med that would actually work!" THAT is not the case. Turns out I was already prescribed percocet for 4 simultaneous wisdom teeth extractions, two impacted and two that later became dry sockets. I limited my intake of the pills based on overall acetominophen quantity vs. how much pain relief I was getting; too much tylenol will kill your liver and two weeks later you'll die a very painful death. The percocet was doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. And 5 weeks ago I find out that it's the often talked about legendary "oxycodone". Percocet is simply one of several name brands. I've taken oxycodone and not even known it!!!! Upon verification of this I'm set out to get a medical bracelet that mentions this liver defficiency-- the only thing that will provide me above NSAID pain relief is straight morphine or a synthetic derivative such as Dilauded (Hydromorphone). This sucks dead donkey dongs because I have to sound like a junky if I ever want relief of major pain. It is HILARIOUS to me that I've consumed massive quantities of oxycodone unknowingly and received the same effects that someone who took a few tylenol would get. Plus the burning plastic smell. Talk about fucked up! It just blows my mind. It also gives me something to look forward to-- that first time I get a morphine drip will be the first time I've ever experienced morphine. So all you out there who have had even a single Tylenol T3 know more about pain relief than I do. I suspect it will feel GOOD. (rant) With all the opoide addicts asking for this stuff, it's an unfortunate complication I have to go through to get the pain meds that I need because everyone else fucked it up for me. If you are an opoide abuser then I do hate you and blame much of the pain I've suffered in my life on you and the limitations of the healthcare that I've been able to receive simply because you became an addict and fucked it up for everyone else who actually needed the stuff. I get mistakenly lumped into the likes of you the moment I start mentioning this in any healthcare environment, and all I can thank is that there is in fact a test that can be done to prove my CP450 2D6 defficiency and then doctors will immediately change their attitude and descend upon me with REAL pain killers and sympathy, rather than doubt and distrust upon seeing the results of the test. (end rant) If there was any wonder as to why I have such a high threshold for pain, this would be it. And it shouldn't be this way, but I digress... Sitting before me is a bottle of Ondansetron ODT 4mg sublingual for anti-nausea, and for the first time ever-- Vicoprofen! Hydrocodone 7.5mg + Ibuprofen 200mg. While it does nothing for the pain above the advil that's in it, it's doing a great job of constipating me and hey, no burning plastic smell from acetominophen! It bugs me that every opioid abuser and their grandmother would kill to get their hands on this stuff. It bugs me more that I don't get the pain relief that they would get. But at least I get the desired effects I'm seeking from this drug. Constipation. Why constipation? Because right now without going into gory details, if I sit on the toilet it'll sound like I'm urinating after drinking 2 gallons of water. Except that isn't piss. It's coming out as fast as if it were, but trust me, it isn't. So, suffice to say I'm feeling better. And in the future before FC2010 I'll be posting another of my famous "Don't go to the con unless you want confluenza" type posts. Except this time I'll be mentioning the swine flu and my prediction is that everyone who hasn't gotten it and attends the con this year WILL. Pretty simple. Don't say you haven't been warned. I'm still of the opinion that it's high time we accepted that "Furry Conventions" in general are full of unhealthy desperate people who are willing to stop at nothing no matter how sick they are from meeting up with people who otherwise would leave their life an empty and dark abysmal shell were they to not attend. I'm sure everyone reading this knows of at least one person who was willing to quit their job to get the time off to attend they were so desperate, and were asking around a week or two later now desperate for a job so they don't become homeless. That is a very fucked up set of priorities, and given the current climate of communicable diseases, really, you're better off staying home than you are attending the con. The denial I have encountered trying to broach this topic with other furries is something akin to the response constaff has when someone suggests that condoms be freely available during registration, to the tune of "What?? This is a con, people don't have sex at cons. Furry has nothing to do with sex. Fursuits have nothing to do with sex." Just what happens to these people when they finally accept otherwise... is not something I want to stick around to watch. And I won't. So if people see me at the con this year, it'll be while I'm holding my breath, and only long enough to snatch the people I'm interested in hanging out with away from the con to bring back to my house where real relaxation can be had in a healthy environment. For everyone else, get yourself a mask or talk to your work about all the time you'll need after getting back. You will get H1N1 and if you're really fucked up, you'll think it was worth it. If it was? Seek therapy now.

Current Mood: healing

My life: Chapter 32 Jul. 22nd, 2009 @ 09:39 pm
His name is Kyle. I call him Wolf. Just being near him, let alone touching, tangled, intimately touching even the smallest contact point, is as overwhelming as I let it be. If I think too far or too long, tears start filling in my eyes. The feeling of love so strong it's like the burn of magnesium. But the lure of a luxurious hot tub, settling into relaxation, drop shields, engage in trust, feel slight lure of lust. Save that for later. Take his touch into mine, feel his fingers hold me.

Here I sit, writing this when I could be doing that instead. He's dozing off, I'll go capture him and take him off to bed. He'll come with no resistance. His mental state will come online, and the pair that we operate as simply mesh. There's our differences in mood, often drastic, but less so as of late. The last full moon sucked. It's our pattern, we have to fight during the full moon. And a huge source of stress between the both of us... was the distance between us.

Vegas and San Jose. I've driven there and back on one day. Just to hand him my written response to a love letter he had mailed to me back in the beginning. And the hope for a kiss, the bounty-- it was mine! I drove home high as a kite and fast as hell as my S5 was made to be. That car is an audi demon. I have to write about it sometime.


Now there is no distance.

Now there is Wolf and I. He'll be at chapter 32 as well, - 6 days. And I just can't get enough of this guy. This canine. This wild creature whom I've tamed if not by loss of fear itself by my own wild crazy arctic k9 traits. He seems likewise to not be able to get enough of me... and so he sits at his laptop. Striking glances at me occasionally. Noticing my smile, but he doesn't know that I know that he knows I'm smiling, and it's because of him. Knowing that he will smile when he reads this, if he reads this. As his memory is rather good, like mine.

So he is here now, my mate. My other half. Not my better half, not my more responsible half. Just my other half. Hmm. This means people should be afraid. Very afraid. :)

Of course in all actuality, there is nothing to be afraid of. Please ignore the heavy industrial machining equipment being moved into the concrete slabbed workroom. Nope, nope, nothing to see here. It's not like either of us have raging desires of things we'd like to make become a reality where they prior existed as mere drawings on paper. Nope! Pure innocent thoughts are all that exist!

So off I go to get him by his collar..
Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: +++ATH0 (80's BBS times music)

nagios Jun. 3rd, 2009 @ 02:30 pm
"Nagios works well when it works for you.

However nagios is very difficult to set-up. The person using nagios for the first time is left with a bewildering task of learning a very complex system without a good example. Nagios has no good configuration tool that is part of it's own native code. Groundwork, a third party company, has released two excellent nagios configuration tools that make nagios useful for even the first time user. However they are for early versions of nagios, and are not integrated, so they become useless over time. Groundwork no longer develops their package, and it is not part of the nagios package development, so those advances are being lost to time.

Nagios is a great tool, sort of like c++ is a great tool... But not all of us can be c++ programmers, nor can we all spend 6 months of our life trying to figure nagios out. The nagios team doesn't care about new users, there is no good forum support, the official support channel is a mailing list with one thread... with no searchable archive that I have found. the one nagios forum is down more than it is up, and it is not in existance any more according to the nagios wiki... In short, nagios is hard to learn, and there is no useful support. I set up nagios using the groundwork monarch tool, a great combination... too bad monarch is no longer being developed. Once I had my config files, it was "easy" to maintain... but only easy as compared to creating a config from scratch. Nothing about nagios is ever really easy...
maintenance is only easy to the person that set it up.

For being free software, nagios is extremely expensive. By that I mean it takes a talented person to set it up, and maintain it, and it takes a lot of that person's time. So if you must consider the cost of the person building your nagios system, then it is far too expensive as compared to something with a user interface for configuration. the Nagios developers are programmers, and they don't care that only programmers can use it.

If a car was built like nagios, it would come as a block of steel, and lumps of rubber and plastic, and it would be up to the driver to carve and hammer the steel into the shape of a car."

As an ASE Certified Master Automobile Mechanic, I say: Amen.
Current Mood: stringy

Mar. 19th, 2009 @ 01:31 pm
I have been utterly blown away by Windows Server 2008. As someone who has used W2k3 server based OS's as my workstation for many years, I came to expect some limited functionality that would require hacks to overcome. I transitioned to Vista because I liked the look and feel. But overall, the OS felt empty yet full at the same time, like it had a stomach full of styrefoam.

Server 2008 feels like Vista without the bloat, with crap-tons, METRIC crap-tons of capability just brimming with potential. For once, Windows feels like linux just another notch.

Why not? If a million QA Dev monkeys can write shakespear, they can certainly make windows an OS that has something everyone wants.

I drive a car that isn't american. The parts for it are hard to find at parts stores because few people drive them. It's clearly superior over a domestic build of even equal price. I am entitled to this opinion, and am qualified for it to matter. Give me a set of tools and the best each brand can come up with, and I'll produce two piles of parts and one big book describing the flaws, the pros, the cons, and the overall decision. It would be repetition though, for me. This is beyond the point I'm trying to make, which is that I know what I'm talking about, and Server 2k8 is a big change for Microsoft. This is the first time I'm not afraid to say "I like windows".

This LJ post has been written through centerim, a text based linux chat client running over ssh hosted on an ubuntu server.

Mar. 12th, 2009 @ 07:52 pm
Chase purchased my Washington Mutual credit card. Washington Mutual purchased my Paypal Credit Card. Somewhere in there was fine print that let them hike the APR up to 29.9%. And they refuse to lower it. There can't have been any late payments because automatic min-pay is setup. Everything I've read online says this is a new legal scam. I can't wait to figure out how to legally screw them back for it. And believe me, I will.
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